Lonely Leaders

“I don’t have anyone I can talk to openly.” 

“None of my people understand me.” 

“I don’t have anywhere I can show my true face.”

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When I work with leaders over time, often the most significant challenge they share is loneliness. 

If loneliness isn’t addressed, it can lead to burnout and damaged relationships. One organization had to shut down operations due to burnout at the top. 

What concrete steps to address loneliness before it reaches this point? 

“What really made the difference for me,” one leader told me “was those weekly meetings, you and I used to have.” If you’re in a rut, the process of consistent accountability can make the difference from dying to thriving.

Here’s what I want to give you today — enough understanding about accountability to take the next step to get help.

It will only take 5 minutes to get started. 

Here are the questions I’ll address below:

• Who casts the deciding vote for your life?
• What’s an accountability partner? 
• What makes accountability work? 

We’ll wrap up with options for accountability questions AND a chance for your next step.

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One morning on my way into the TCN offices, Ana Shehu told me one of her favorite quotes. 

“We shape our buildings, thereafter they shape us,” initially attributed to Winston Churchill.

Many modern buildings, with narrow halls and cubicles breed isolation. 

For some of us, the demands of our job, our level in an organization and even the building all seem to be pushing us towards isolation.

The deciding vote?

Your building might be working against connection with others. 

Your job may foster loneliness.

Perhaps, your colleagues are not easy for you to connect with.

The good news is that you have veto power. 

You can make a choice to change. 

And an accountability partner may be the perfect path forward to change. 

What’s an “Accountability Partner?”

Simply put, an accountability partner is someone you make a commitment to help you reach goals or keep commitments. 

“You have my permissions to ask any question at any time.”

A few years ago, I met Patrick, a business leader. He showed me his phone and said, “Any of these people have given me permission to call them up and ask any question at any time.”

Accountability may not involve this level of commitment, and it doesn’t have to be limited to organizational leadership.

Last week, I told about how Gordon and I met once a week when I was in high school. This involved work, family and faith.

You can have an accountability partner for any area of life where you want to reach a goal.

I have had accountability partners for running and working out. “Let’s meet three times a week at the gym.” And I’ve asked for accountability from friends for taking breaks. 

What makes Accountability work?

I’ve been a part of effective accountability relationships in my personal life. And I’ve been a part of effective accountability structures in systems in organizations.And I’ve also been part of some poor and, at times, toxic accountability relationships and structures.What are some ingredients that make accountability relationships work? 

Choice

One of the participants in the Leadership Forum initiative wrote me, “Josh, accountability works best when it’s a choice” (I’m paraphrasing his words). With an “accountability partner,” you choose to make yourself accountable. This is different from a work structure where accountability is part of the relationship. To be clear, I have benefited from mandated accountability, and I believe we are accountable to anyone we’ve made a commitment to. I also recognize there is something unique when it begins with a choice.“Yes, I want in.” My meetings with Gordon when I was a teenager were by choice. I could have played basketball with him and said “no” to our meetings. . Gordon suggested it.I saw the value of it. And told him, “Yes, I want in.” 

Openness

“Coaching is like holding up a mirror to a warrior when he takes off his armor,” one leader said in a coaching workshop. 

When a leader feels like he or she is walking into battle each day, it’s natural to become defensive, distant and isolated.

Does this describe you? 

Dan Allender, author of Leading with a Limp, identifies loneliness as one of the five realities every leader must face along with crisis, complexity, betrayal, and weariness. 

“To avoid this trap,” Allender argues, “a leader must name his loneliness and his tendency to detach from others, then leave behind the addictions that promise to fill the void.” 

An accountability relationship provides the commitment and the trust necessary for a weary leader to take off the armor.

Feedback

One of the benefits of an accountability partner is getting feedback from someone who knows you, someone who knows the work you are putting in to reach goals, someone who will celebrate your victory and will stay at your side in defeat.

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.”

Ken Blanchard used to say, “Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” 

Are you eating a healthy breakfast of feedback? 

If you don’t have people around you that give you open and honest feedback, you may need an accountability partner to make some changes.

What about you? 

If you were to choose an accountability relationship, what would it look like? 

What questions would you want someone you could trust to sit across the table from you and ask?

Here are a few options for questions with different types of accountability relationships. 

SMART Accountability Conversations

If you’re setting goals for your role as an organizational leader, the SMART format provides a solid structure for setting goals (and celebrating success when reach your goals!). Here are some questions that can be used:

1. Did you meet your goals this week? 
2. Were your goals achievable?
3. What did you learn about yourself?
4. What changes–if any–do you want to make for the future?

For a refresher, SMART goals are:

Specific

Measurable

Achievable

Relevant

Time Bound

Accountability Conversation as a Teen

Last week, I described an accountability relationship that Gordon–a mentor–and I had included both personal life and work (my work as a high student at the time). We also shared a common faith commitment, which was a part of this conversation as well. I don’t have the original questions, but here’s the closest I could find online. Perhaps we used a modified version of this.  Have you honored God in quality relationship time with family and friends?Have you been completely above reproach in your financial dealings? (I think we modified this.)Have you spent daily time reading the Bible and in prayer?Have you had any flirtatious or lustful thoughts of someone who is not your wife? (we definitely modified this one – I was 15 at the time!)Have you lied about any of your answers today?Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting these questions for you. You’ll have to sort out what questions you want to ask based on your goals.

Health & Wellness Accountability Questions

I started asking questions like these during the Covid-19 pandemic and continue to go back to them:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how is my stress level right now? 
2. On a scale of 1-10, how is my overall physical health? (In case you haven’t noticed, I am a math nerd who likes numbers 😉
3. Am I spending at least 10 minutes each day getting exercise outside? 
4. What have I done/what relationship has given me joy this week? What else can I do that I would be grateful for?

From Loneliness to Connection

Remember the lonely leaders I mentioned? 

I can imagine the same people I mentioned earlier coming back to me and saying:

“Josh, I have no

 someone I can talk to.” 

“None

 Some of my people now understand me.” 

“I don’t 

 have somewhere I can show my true face.”

Not all of these people have made this change, as far as I know. 

But they can. 

And you can too.

Your Future

What might the next step look like for you? 

Is it time to phone a friend? 

Or is there someone you can reach out to for accountability?

Or would you like to take some time to write out your goals, what’s not going well and what could be improved?